Green Bay Packers (3-0) - Previously: #1 - Aaron Rodgers is on fire, and he's even insulting his victims through random memes:
For more on the best team in football right now, check out my NFL Game Recaps for analysis of their blowout victory over the Chiefs.
New England Patriots (3-0) - Previously: #2 - So, because the Patriots were caught cheating, they want to stick it to everyone by running up the score against awful teams to prove that they... aren't cheating... anymore...? Is that right? Because it sounds dumber when I typed it out than when I was thinking it in my head beforehand.
Going back to the revealing picture I posted last week:
I wrote that Bill Belichick is the best master of disguise the world has ever seen since Varys. What if he's better than Varys? Would it surprise anyone that in 15 years from now, it was revealed that Belichick was Buffalo's chief security guard, Miami's general manager, the Jets' head custodian, Baltimore's head coach's daughter, and Indianapolis' owner's dog - all at the same time? It's not like anyone would recognize Belichick without his hoodies, so he could get away with this.
Arizona Cardinals (3-0) - Previously: #4 - Not that I was overly impressed with Arizona's 40-point victory over San Francisco, but I trust the Cardinals way more than the Seahawks right now because they can actually block. The offensive line was thought to be an issue heading into the season, but it hasn't thus far for Arizona.
By the way, I mentioned earlier that Bruce Arians could be the next Bill Belichick. Arians is 25-10 against the spread as Arizona's head coach, and he's more than willing to run up the score versus horrible opposition. Granted, Arians doesn't cheat, but we don't know what lurks under his assortment of hats. What if he's keeping a telepathic micro alien being under there, and it told Colin Kaepernick to throw stupid passes repeatedly in Sunday's game? Don't tell me that this is impossible because I'd put the probability of this happening at 70 percent.
Cincinnati Bengals (3-0) - Previously: #5 - The Bengals move up as well, despite the fact that Andy Dalton tried so desperately to give away a victory to Baltimore on Sunday. I can already sense that Bengal fans are slitting their wrists in anticipation of another January meltdown by Dalton. When that happens, it'll be a shame because this Cincinnati team is great otherwise.
Seattle Seahawks (1-2) - Previously: #3 - Moving a team down following a 26-0 victory may raise some eyebrows, but the Seahawks were only up 6-0 at halftime against Jimmy Clausen and needed a kickoff return for a touchdown to get any sort of spark. The Seahawk teams of old would've been up 31-0 by intermission, but this version can't block at all, which will continue to be a big problem going forward.
Denver Broncos (3-0) - Previously: #6 - Peyton Manning might be done, but yet he still somehow wins games. Hardly a surprise, given that he's King of the Regular Season. Another playoff implosion should be fun, but yet sad this time as well.
By the way, I meant to post this brilliant blurb earlier:
What the hell is this? Why would the Broncos leak something like this and stick to it? It's like, "Hey everyone, we're going to be running more in the red zone, so you better play the run more! Don't even pay attention to Manning! No way he's going to throw! Derp!"
I highly doubt anyone fell for this anyway. Everyone knows that Manning is an egomaniac who wants the best numbers possible so that he holds the passing records forever and ever.
Buffalo Bills (2-1) - Previously: #7 - It's amazing how great the Bills can look when they're not committing two penalties on every single drive. I still can't believe they imploded like that, costing me $880 in the process. I may just join Bengal fans in slitting my wrists right now.
In all seriousness, the Bills proved Sunday that they need to be considered one of the best teams in the NFL. The Dolphins never had a chance. I imagine Buffalo will be much more competitive versus New England the second time around, and who knows, maybe they'll cost me $880 more.
Minnesota Vikings (2-1) - Previously: #8 - Though four San Diego offensive linemen sustained injuries in Sunday's contest, the Vikings still looked impressive in their victory. The real test comes Sunday at Denver. Dethroning the King of the Regular Season is never difficult, but Minnesota has a legitimate chance to accomplish that feat.
Carolina Panthers (3-0) - Previously: #11 - Do you think that one day, the Panthers could actually try against weaker competition? They've been so lethargic in their three victories thus far, but they haven't needed to put forth 100-percent effort because they've battled the Jaguars, Texans and Drew Brees-less Saints. Tampa won't offer any sort of challenge next week, so more laziness!
Oh, and sorry, Carolina fans. Luke Kuechly is gone forever. No, it wasn't some injury; it was yet another cheating tactic by the Patriots:
See? Told you that Belichick disguised himself as some NFL general managers.
Atlanta Falcons (3-0) - Previously: #13 - I'm so pissed off. These are the thoughts in my head right now:
And that's going to be me 10 years from now when I'm plotting Devonta Freeman's death. Literally. I'll have a sex-change operation and wear a black wig, and everything, making me a stunning hero like Caitlyn Jenner. A beautiful, stunning hero.
Ugh, you have no idea how pissed I am. Where the hell did Freeman's awesome running come from? The Cowboys were up 28-14! They were supposed to win because they were missing their starting quarterback, and they were giving 110 percent! The Falcons aren't supposed to give 110 percent either!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH RGHIWROG WHR0G HERGI JEROI FLAMES JERIO JOIER GPREGP
NFL Power Rankings: Week 4 - Bottom 10
32. Chicago Bears (0-3) - Previously: #32 - Jay Cutler didn't even play, so it would be unfair to publish a meme making fun of him. So, lets do one of Jimmy Clausen instead!
And yes, you're all thinking it, so I might as well just write it: Clausen is so inaccurate that unlike Cheddar Bob, he missed while shooting himself.
31. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (1-2) - Previously: #31 - Marcus Mariota has now outplayed Jameis Winston by a wide margin in two of their three games. Not good, Bucs, not good. On the bright side, Tampa fans can soon enjoy Winston in a Disney movie. They're making a sequel to the Little Mermaid, and guess who is the main villain?
Unlike Ursula, Winston actually poses a threat to the undersea folk.
30. Jacksonville Jaguars (1-2) - Previously: #29 - So much for gaining momentum following a last-second victory against the Dolphins. The Jaguars weren't competitive at all in New England, and their sole victory looks much less impressive in the wake of Miami's blowout loss to Buffalo.
29. Cleveland Browns (1-2) - Previously: #28 - A Cleveland fan who e-mails me regularly sent me an angry message a week ago:
Johnny showed you! And the Browns are not as bad as you think. Not great, but middle of the pack. Get a real qb and Browns might even become scary!
This week? Not as confident:
I have never seen the Browns play so bad. It was awful. Plain and simple. To have the talent the Browns have and play that poorly is a direct reflection on the coaches and leadership of the team. Just dreadful. I have no answers at this point.
Life must be tough being a Browns fan. To not have any answers at any point about anything has to be extremely frustrating. In fact, I wonder if a large number of people are diagnosed with learning disabilities in Cleveland because of exchanges like this:
Teacher: Can you tell me the answer to question No. 8?
Student: No. I didn't get that one.
Teacher: What about question No. 9?
Teacher: Do you have answers to any questions?
Student: No. None. I have no answers. Because I'm a Browns fan.
Hey, at least it's an excuse to get out of doing schoolwork.
28. San Francisco 49ers (1-2) - Previously: #27 - "I can now be myself." - Colin Kaepernick, this offseason upon learning that Jim Harbaugh was not coming back.
Whatever that means. I hope Kaepernick continues to have fun being himself when the 49ers trade him to the Calgary Stampede next spring.
27. St. Louis Rams (1-2) - Previously: #21 - If I wasn't crying after losing $440 on the Rams, I'd still be laughing about this tweet from Ed Bouchette:
"Half the fans in the Jones Dome have left. Oops, sorry, only half made it in. Depressing scene here in St. Louis if you're Rams fan."
How sad is that? Also, throw in the fact that many of the people in the stands were cheering for the Steelers, and that means there were virtually no Rams fans in the building - and this is just two weeks after the team upset the Seahawks! How could this possibly happen? The NFL needs to move the Rams to Los Angeles pronto, because leaving them in St. Louis will just continue to embarrass the league.
26. Washington Redskins (1-2) - Previously: #25 - Kirk Cousins was just OK in the first two games, but he imploded Thursday night. What happened? There's only one reasonable explanation...
25. Houston Texans (1-2) - Previously: #24 - Talk about uninspiring wins. I have no idea how the Texans covered, but many missed field goals were involved. I guess the good news for Houston fans is that Arian Foster will be back soon. Unfortunately, Foster is very injury-prone thanks to his vegan diet, so he could just as easily suffer another soft-tissue malady.
I think one Texan fan needs to take one for the team and kidnap Foster, just to be able to stuff a bacon cheeseburger down his throat. Sure, this fan would go to prison, but Foster would at least have the protein to stay healthy.
24. New Orleans Saints (0-3) - Previously: #23 - I was about to check out the hate mail in my power rankings, but saw that I didn't have any this week. I'm shocked. This might be the first time ever. In fact, I had a couple of people defend me from previous hate mails, so thanks guys! I really appreciate the positive feedback!
At any rate, the Saints were better than expected at Carolina, but I'm not sure how much the Panthers tried. My picks podcast partner Matvei texted me, "Ewing Theory in Carolina!" during the game, but McCown's carriage turned into a pumpkin in the second half. Or, I guess his Verizon cell phone tower turned into a pumpkin? I don't know.
23. Tennessee Titans (1-2) - Previously: #26 - I want to move the Titans out of my bottom 10 because Marcus Mariota has been great in two of his three starts, but I can't get that loss to Cleveland out of my head.
Mariota nearly beat the Colts, however. As this was going on, here were some memorable tweets from Jim Irsay during the game:
WE MIGHT BE 0 AND 2 BUT WERE STILL GOING TO MAKE THE PLAYOFFS BY WINNING THE AFC EAST
I HAVE FAITH ANDREW LUCKS GONNA TAKE US TO VICTERY SO CONFIDANT THAT I HAVE HIM ON MY FAN DUAL ROSTER!!!
OH AND WHOSE THIS MARCUS MARIO GUY IS HE HISPANIC QUICK CALL DONALD TRUMP AND GET HIM DEEPORTED LOLOLOLOLOL
MARIOTA INTERSEPTED!!! HAAHAHAHAHAHA TAKE THAT YOU ILLEGAL IMMIGRANT I MEAN UNDOCUMENTED IMMIGRANT DONT WANT PC PRINCIPLE YELLING AT ME :(
YO ANDREW LUCK WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING YOUR SUPPOSED TO SCORE ME TDS SO I CAN WIN MONEY IN FAN DUAL
NOW LUCK INTERSEPTED!!! THIS IS BULLSHOT!!! I PAID $9000 TO GET ANDREW LUCK ON MY TEAM AND NOW HE PAYS ME BACK BY BACKSTABBING ME
titans now up 13 gonna drink my self to death im loosing in fan dual and real life ugh plaz some1 give me poison
COLTS COMING BACK!!! LUCK TD TO TONY DORSETT!!!
LUCK TD TO DONTE MONCREEF!!! SUCK IT IDIOTS I SIGNED UP TO PLAY FAN DUAL WITH!!! IM THE NEXT GUY WHOSE GONNA BE IN THOSE FAN DUAL COMMERCIALS!!!
ugh i just checked the standings and im in 134,832nd place out of 220,000. $25 down the drain looks like i'll have to sell more drugs to hookers damnit
NFL Power Rankings: The Rest: 11. San Diego Chargers (1-2). Previously: #9
12. Philadelphia Eagles (1-2). Previously: #19
13. New York Jets (2-1). Previously: #14
14. Indianapolis Colts (1-2). Previously: #15
15. Kansas City Chiefs (1-2). Previously: #10
16. Dallas Cowboys (2-1). Previously: #16
17. Baltimore Ravens (0-3). Previously: #17
18. New York Giants (1-2). Previously: #22
19. Pittsburgh Steelers (2-1). Previously: #20
20. Miami Dolphins (1-2). Previously: #12
21. Detroit Lions (0-3). Previously: #18
22. Oakland Raiders (2-1). Previously: #30
Something new this year - I'm keeping track of precise run defense, pass defense and pass protection rankings in Excel. The benefit to this is that it'll be broken down by week. Here are the download links: