Antonio Cromartie: 6 tackles, 1 INT, 1 forced fumble.
Leroy Hill: 11 tackles, 1 sack, 1 forced fumble.
Stephen Cooper: 16 tackles.
Scrubs of the Week:
Marcus Pollard: Infinite drops. 1 catch, 3 yards.
Shaun Alexander: 9 carries, 20 yards. 1 TD.
Run Defenses: Rush yards per carry allowed to running backs: (Last game/Season)
The Playoff Teams:
New England Patriots (17-0) - There's no doubt the Patriots have the best offense of all time. But what's up with the defense? Why do they suck so much? Let's do some oddities to figure out why: 1:2 - Junior Seau is too busy applying for an AARP card instead of studying film. 3:1 - Rodney Harrison is spending too much time writing checks to the league office for all of his fines. 7:1 - Mike Vrabel has become a problem in the locker room because he feels like he's not getting enough touchdowns. 15:1 - Stupid Roger Goodell stole all of Bill Belichick's tapes. Jerk!!!
Green Bay Packers (14-3) - In case you missed the Packers-Seahawks game, or had it on mute, here's what it sounded like: "Brett Favre Lambeau Field. Lambeau Field Brett Favre. Brett Favre Brett Favre Brett Favre Lambeau Field. Snow in Lambeau Field with Brett Favre. Brett Favre in the snow at Lambeau Field. Brett Favre Brett Favre Lambeau Lambeau Field. Will Terrell Owens play? Giants-Cowboys ONLY ON FOX - but first, Brett Favre Lambeau Field Brett Favre snow Lambeau Field Brett Favre."
San Diego Chargers (12-5) - The Peyton Manning Priceless Pep Talk of the Week... Errr... Peyton, where did you go? I'm sorry, I'm going to have to look for Peyton. I'll be back once I find out why he's not ready to deliver his Priceless Pep Talk.
Indianapolis Colts (13-4) - OK, so I found Peyton Manning. He was in the men's bathroom, crying in the stalls. I told him it was OK; even the great Tom Brady lost to a team like the Broncos two years ago. But Manning just shook his head and told me he wasn't upset about losing. I asked him why he was so distraught, and he said that Philip Rivers was a big meanie, calling him a loser, a crybaby and even a doo-doo head. I consoled Manning, understanding how much of a jerk Rivers is. He seriously must be stopped. I loved Peyton Manning's Priceless Pep Talks. Now they're gone, and all because of Rivers. Someone seriously needs to get him drunk and draw genitals on his face when he passes out.
Jacksonville Jaguars (12-6) - David Garrard is awesome. Too bad his receivers suck. Anyway, Emmitt Smith loved giving his "analysts" of the Wizard of Oz, Little Red Riding Hood, Hansel and Gretel, and The Three Little Pigs, so he got excited at the prospect of doing something like this every week. Emmitt will now discuss Cinderella: Once upon times, there was a broad name Cinderella. She were very poor and have three ugly stepsister and a mean grandmother. One night Cinderella, she wasn't invited to the balls, but her fairy godmothers help her out. So she went to the balls and meet the prince who was very handsome. She dance all night till the club close but had to go back to her crib so her ride don't turn into a pumpkin patch. But the prince was in love and try to look for the broad. He eventually come to Cinderella's crib and ask her to try on the glass high heel he had found. But the stepmother turn Cinderella into a mermaid and she was force to go back into the river.
New York Giants (12-6) - The Eli Manning Priceless Pep Talk of the Week: "We beat the Cowboys and it was so cool and we scored 21 points and they only scored 17 points and I threw two touchdowns and Tony Romo only threw one touchdown and Amani Toomer had two touchdowns and Terrell Owens had one touchdown and Tom Coughlin was so excited and I'm so excited to go to Lambeau and my brother called me and he was happy and Jerry Jones was sad and we're going to the NFC Championship and I'm gonna have to buy tickets for people I know in Green Bay and it's gonna be so much fun and my dad looks so happy..." That was Eli Manning, and he hopes his Priceless Pep Talk helped you!
Dallas Cowboys (13-4) - Question - say you're an NFL quarterback. And you have Jessica Simpson waiting for you at home. And once your season is over, you're going to spend 25 hours a day having crazy sex with her. Wouldn't you want to lose as quickly as possible?
Seattle Seahawks (11-7) - FOX completely blew the story. A few years ago, after winning the coin toss prior to overtime at Lambeau Field, Matt Hasselbeck said something like, "We're taking the ball and we're going to score." Then, instead of throwing a touchdown, Hasselbeck tossed a pick-six. Why didn't FOX, or anyone else for that matter, mention something about this? Idiots! At any rate, Hasselbeck should have announced, "We're going to take the ball, but it won't matter because Brett Favre is going to have his way with our rear ends this afternoon in every way imaginable."
The Rest: 9. Pittsburgh Steelers (10-7). 10. Tennessee Titans (10-7). 11. Washington Redskins (9-8). 12. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (9-8).
13. Cleveland Browns (10-6). 14. Philadelphia Eagles (8-8). 15. Minnesota Vikings (9-7). 16. Houston Texans (8-8).
17. Buffalo Bills (7-9). 18. Chicago Bears (7-9). 19. New Orleans Saints (7-9).
20. Arizona Cardinals (8-8). 21. Detroit Lions (7-9). 22. Denver Broncos (7-9). 23. Carolina Panthers (7-9). 24. Cincinnati Bengals (7-9). 25. San Francisco (5-11).
26. Oakland Raiders (4-12). 27. Atlanta Falcons (4-12). 28. New York Jets (4-12). 29. Baltimore Ravens (5-11). 30. St. Louis Rams (3-13).
31. Kansas City Chiefs (4-12). 32. Miami Dolphins (1-15).
Aren't you forgetting about Telvin Smith, one of the best young linebackers in the league?? Not only that, Myles Jack can easily slide into the MLB role, while Dante Fowler/ or Yannick Ngakoue rushes from the strongside LB spot. Sorry but, LB is definely not a major need for this squad. Nice try though smh