Run Defenses: Rush yards per carry allowed to running backs: (Last game/Season)
New England Patriots (9-0) - The Patriots are so dominant they beat their bye week by 31. Stupid bye week said Bill Belichick doesn't deserve any credit because he cheated. See what you get, you dumb bye week!
Indianapolis Colts (7-2) - The (TOM BRADY) Pep Talk of the Week: "Hey, Peyton Manning. People said I wasn't as good as you before this year. I guess my eight Super Bowls weren't good enough. I just couldn't have the same stats you did because I was throwing to handicapped people whom I actually turned into receivers who looked solid. What have David Givens, Deion Branch and David Patten done without me? Nothing! And people criticized the fact that I threw four picks from time to time. Now, that I have the wide outs, I'm the man! Ha! You can take you and your six picks to the loser's corner. I gotta go - 10 super models are waiting for me in my bed. I'm Tom Brady, and I hope this pep talk has helped you."
Pittsburgh Steelers (7-2) - Like I said in my weekly wrap-up, I feel as though the Steelers just played a very poor game. They allowed two kick returns for scores, and gave up big plays to Cleveland's offense in the first half. Pittsburgh finally woke up in the third quarter and dominated the rest of the contest. Still, give credit to the Browns, who haven't been competitive with the Steelers since 2002.
Dallas Cowboys (8-1) - The Cowboys, like the Steelers, woke up in the second half and completely dominated their opponent. They eliminated their dumb penalties and surrendered just three points after intermission.
Green Bay Packers (8-1) - As I'll mention on my weekly predictions page, I'm 1-7 when picking or fading the Packers. I think the Green Bay organization should hire me to select against them every week. I could be pretty useful. Forget the Patriots, Green Bay would easily go 19-0 every single year.
Tennessee Titans (6-3) - I love it. I hope everyone keeps calling Vince Young a bust. I'll just make money off of him when his team's an underdog. People forget. He completed 11-of-18 passes Week 1. Against the Colts, he was 17-of-27 for 184 yards and a score. On Monday night football the following week, he was 14-of-22 for 164 yards, two touchdowns and a pick. Young can throw the football, but I'm all right with letting people think he can't. In fact, I should just delete this paragraph.
New York Giants (6-3) - The Giants are who I thought they were! (An above-average team with an OK, mistake-prone quarterback that beat up on garbage the past six weeks.) No surprise the Cowboys won by double digits.
Jacksonville Jaguars (6-3) - Not sure what to make of this Jaguars team. They win when they're not supposed to (at Denver, Tampa Bay and Tennessee), and they lay eggs about once every three or four weeks (see the slim Falcons victory and the Saints blowout).
Cleveland Browns (5-4) - I have to do some more look-alikes for Romeo Crennel. I already posted a picture of him and Keith Traylor. On my picks page this week, I'll tell you which classic video-game enemy he reminds me of. But how about this for all of you South Park fans. Imagine Crennel side by side with the bear from the Christmas critters. I swear they look exactly the same, though I could never imagine Romeo pleading for his friends to give a little girl AIDS by urinating in her eye socket.
Seattle Seahawks (5-4) - I love what Mike Holmgren did; he saw his rushing attack was stagnant, so he declared that was going to throw the ball as much as possible. Wouldn't it be funny if Mike Martz said something like this? I actually think he should. I don't think the Lions pass it enough. Six carries is way too much. What is Martz thinking?
32. San Francisco 49ers (2-7) - It was an awkward moment during the Monday night game, but 49ers linebacker Jeff Ulbrich ran up to Matt Hasselbeck and started jabbing him. Hasselbeck appeared confused and looked like he wanted to retaliate. Are you wondering why he did that? We'll you've come to the right place! Oddities on why Ulbrich tried to beat Hasselbeck up: 1:11 - It was the only way San Francisco had a shot in the game. With a backup quarterback, Seattle might not have scored. Thus, the contest would have ended 0-0. 2:1 - Ulbrich went color-blind and thought Hasselbeck was Alex Smith. Ulbrich apparently thought knocking Smith out of the game would help his team win. I'm pretty sure he's right. 6:1 - Ulbrich was mad Mike Holmgren ate his dinner. 14:1 - The 49ers suck so much, Ulbrich just got tired of football and wanted to try out for boxing.
31. Miami Dolphins (0-9) - Don Schula and his entourage pop champagne whenever the last undefeated team loses each year. Well, what's going to happen if the Patriots go 19-0 and the Dolphins lose every single game? Is there going to be something resembling a cult suicide, or something? Could you imagine the entire Dolphins squad donning Patriots jerseys and attempting to drown themselves? Oh, and by the way, I moved San Francisco ahead of the Dolphins on this list based on what I saw on Monday night. The 49ers haven't won since Week 2, so they're sort of winless at 0-7.
30. Oakland Raiders (2-7) - Letters From Dominic (I ran a segment last year composing fake letters from Edgerrin James to Peyton Manning. This year, I'm doing the same thing for Dominic Rhodes): "Deer Paytons, my my my, how the mighty haves fallen! You were once the bestest quarterback in the NFL. Now you are a chump. I can't believe you threw sixty picks against the San Diego Padres. With me in the lineup you woulda thrown sixty touchdowns. All to me. I was able to watch the game because I sat at home and did nothing while my team, the Cincinnati Bengals won at Chicago. I am the man. See, I can sit at home, steal cash money and still win. You need me, serious. Can I have you're autograph. You're friend, Dom Rodes!"
29. New York Jets (1-8) - Bye. Funny comment by Candyman82 on my forum: "If only Pennington was on the Seahawks in this [50-mph] wind, he might throw 40 yards! I think Candyman meant negative-40 yards. In heavy gusts, Pennington's girly-man tosses would get blown backward by the wind. And by the way, I think the Jets are really underrated now because Kellen Clemens is 10 times the quarterback Pennington is.
28. St. Louis Rams (1-8) - Hey, look what happens when you get a Pro Bowl runner back in the backfield! I wonder what happens when St. Louis gets Orlando Pace on the line. And by the way, if the Rams have really reverted back to the Greatest Show on Turf, this means they still on the road. I long for the days of betting against them when they play on grass. Oh, wait, that never went away. My bad.
27. Atlanta Falcons (3-6) - My weekend was ruined. I was so excited to see the Panthers-Falcons sack each other at least 30 times, given that Joey Harrington and Old Man River were the quarterbacks. To my dismay, the two squads combined for only four sacks. I cried for six hours. I'm not lying.
26. Minnesota Vikings (3-6) - The league's worst offense just lost its best player. Awesome. Vikings fans must be excited to watch the dynamic duo of Brooks Bollinger and Chester Taylor next week.
25. Kansas City Chiefs (4-5) - Let's see... It took Herman Edwards an entire year and a trade to bench Trent Green, and nine weeks to sit Damon Huard. Get ready for Brodie Croyle, Chiefs fans! Even if he sucks, you'll have to watch him until 2011.
24. Houston Texans (4-5) - Bye. If Mike Tirico, Tony Kornheiser and Ron Jaworski can have the likes of Jimmy Kimmel and Drew Carey in the booth, why can't I have a celebrity guest on my Power Rankings page? I had Keyshawn Johnson, Emmitt Smith and Channing Crowder thus far. OK... I'm here with Tom Brady! Tom... Tom!? Oops, I just saw him wandering off somewhere with five super models. Oh, wait, look who it is, it's Peyton Manning! Peyton, glad you could join me. "Hi, I'm Peyton Manning. Tired of watching blowouts on TV? You should get DirecTV!" Why, actually, I am tired of that. Maybe I will get DirecTV. You're really good at advertising! "Hi, I'm Peyton Manning. I'm comfortable in Wrangler." Ummm... isn't that Brett Favre's commercial? "Hi, I'm Peyton Manning. You don't want to be me. You want to be better than me." That's not your commercial either. Can you not advertise for something else please? "Hi, I'm Peyton Manning..."
23. Baltimore Ravens (4-5) - I never polled about 1,000 people in Baltimore, asking what the Ravens can do to improve their offense. Here aren't the results: 40% - Institute a new offense where the quarterback operates from his knees. Kyle Boller can throw 70 yards from his knees, so with this attack, he could become a Hall-of-Famer. 30% - Bring back Stoney Case, Tony Banks and Chris Redman! 20% - Sign Daunte Culpepper, Randy Moss, Cris Carter, Robert Smith and Jake Reed. Brian Billick can't possibly screw up with those guys. 9.9% - Break into Tom Brady's house, steal his quarterbacking skills, and give them to Boller. 0.1% - Start me! I almost won the BCS title! (I think this guy said his name was Troy).
The Rest: 11. San Diego Chargers (5-4). 12. Buffalo Bills (5-4). 13. Detroit Lions (6-3). 14. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (5-4). 15. New Orleans Saints (4-5).
16. Washington Redskins (5-4). 17. Denver Broncos (4-5). 18. Cincinnati Bengals (3-6). 19. Philadelphia Eagles (4-5). 20. Arizona Cardinals (4-5). 21. Chicago Bears (4-5).
22. Carolina Panthers (4-5).
Aren't you forgetting about Telvin Smith, one of the best young linebackers in the league?? Not only that, Myles Jack can easily slide into the MLB role, while Dante Fowler/ or Yannick Ngakoue rushes from the strongside LB spot. Sorry but, LB is definely not a major need for this squad. Nice try though smh