Run Defenses: Rush yards per carry allowed to running backs: (Last game/Season)
New England Patriots (9-0) - Let me say what a pleasure it was to watch that Colts-Patriots game. I wrote a few weeks ago that New England was like a Major League Baseball team beating up on teams in the minors. Both the Colts and Patriots are just on another level than the other 30 squads in the NFL.
Indianapolis Colts (7-1) - The (TOM BRADY) Pep Talk of the Week: "Hey, Peyton Manning. I thought I'd commandeer your segment in the Top 10 on WalterFootball.com because I beat the crap out of you on Sunday. Your excessive stadium noise didn't matter. Your improved defense was a non-factor. Your paying off the officials nearly worked. Try again. Sorry, I have to cut this short because I have to go impregnate a super model right now. Have fun doing your ads. I'm Tom Brady, and I hope this pep talk has helped you."
Pittsburgh Steelers (6-2) - Everyone assumes the Colts and the Patriots will meet again in the AFC Championship. I wouldn't be so sure about that; I think the Steelers, with their 3-4 defense, match up extremely well against Indianapolis. Pittsburgh knocked the Colts out of the playoffs a few years ago, and you can be assured that Mike Tomlin won't copy the idiotic gameplan of "right middle, run outside, throw short on third down" that Herm Edwards and Brian Billick came up with.
Dallas Cowboys (7-1) - Terrell Owens is a great receiver, but he's really delusional if he thinks there are "love in those boos" from Philadelphia fans. No Eagles backer will ever cheer for anyone in a Dallas uniform - check Michael Irvin's career-ending injury for proof - though, to be fair, every Philadelphian now realizes that Andy Reid got rid of the wrong person in the Owens-Donovan McNabb feud.
Tennessee Titans (6-2) - Let me ask you a question. How can a guy be overrated if everyone says that he's overrated and that he sucks? Doesn't that make him a bit underrated because if he's considered overrated, he has to be good in the first place? Typing that just gave me a headache. Look, the bottom line is that Young is 6-2 despite the fact that the LenDale "The Hamburglar" White eats all of his food on the road.
Green Bay Packers (7-1) - I'm not sure, maybe someone can help me out here. Are the Packers just trying to win or set records? Maybe Brett Favre can answer that question for me. I wish a reporter would ask him how he feels about setting all of these marks.
New York Giants (6-2) - Bye. More on the Hamburglar. One guy who made out well with rookie running back Chris Henry's suspension was LenWhale. As forum-poster JimmyP pointed out, LenWhale now can eat Henry's food on road trips. He's undoubtedly out celebrating right now at McDonald's.
San Diego Chargers (4-4) - An excerpt from Norv Turner's book, How to Get Everyone to Plead for Your Firing for Dummies: "Sometimes, your players are so good, it's hard for you to lose, especially when you're playing a team with a quarterback who can't even complete a 5-yard pass. You're destined to win, right? Think again! All you have to do is not give the ball to your best players. Forget your All-Pro running back and tight end! Just have your quarterback throw the ball to some obscure seventh-round pick! And makes sure you talk about how important your next game is, so your defensive players take the day off and miss easy tackles.
Cleveland Browns (5-3) - My blood pressure is still 500/200 after that close call with my Survivor Week 9 pick. Tom Brady, Brett Favre and Randy Moss are obvious MVP candidates. How about Derek Anderson? This team was horrible with Charlie Frye at quarterback. Anderson has been an important part of the revitalization of football in Cleveland.
Detroit Lions (6-2) - The Browns and Lions are in my Top 10. Now I've seen everything. I put Cleveland ahead of Detroit because with Anderson at the helm, the former hasn't been blown out in two contests like the Lions have (losses of 56-21 and 34-3).
32. Miami Dolphins (0-8) - At least Miami didn't lose this week. You know what's sad? If the Dolphins somehow signed that 90-foot replica of Jason Taylor that the Brits built for the London game, they would still be winless. Could you imagine that thing on the field? It could block field goals with ease, and get open in the end zone every time.
31. St. Louis Rams (0-8) - At least the Rams didn't lose this week. And yeah, the 90-foot Jason Taylor doll wouldn't help the Rams either. Actually, knowing the nature of the Rams and how injured their entire team is, I'm willing to bet the huge Taylor figure would step on half the team, putting them all on the IR.
30. New York Jets (1-8) - Life is good for Jets fans. Their team performed well as an underdog, their young quarterback looks great and their squad preserved their top-three draft status by losing in overtime. The only downside was Chad Pennington's harassing of middle-schoolers so he could have the chance to throw short-armed interceptions playing with them.
29. San Francisco 49ers (2-6) - Wasn't this team supposed to surprise everyone and make the playoffs? Oddities on what happened to the 49ers: 1:8 - Alex Smith is too busy capitalizing on his small hands as a hand model in baby-diaper and baby-formula commercials. 1:6 - Darrell Jackson taught the 49er receivers how to drop passes with ease. 4:1 - Mike Nolan is now spending more time deciding what suit and tie to wear to the game instead of game-planning for his next opponent. 5:1 - Instead of reading GQ Magazine, Nolan accidentally picked up Norv Turner's book, How to Get Everyone to Plead for Your Firing for Dummies. 100:1 - Upon losing a No. 1 pick, Bill Belichick threatened to steal Nolan's suits and replace them with his moldy hoodies if Nolan didn't finish with one of the worst records in the NFL, giving the Patriots a top-five selection.
28. Atlanta Falcons (2-6) - Falcons fans weren't so lucky. Congratulations, Arthur Blank. You're team is further out from the Andre' Woodson and Darren McFadden sweepstakes. Anyway, my analysis of the Ravens-Steelers Monday night game in case you missed it on my forum: "Ravens fumble. Steelers touchdown. Ravens fumble. Steelers touchdown. Ravens fumble. Steelers touchdown. Ravens fumble. Steelers touchdown. Ravens fumble. Steelers touchdown. Ravens fumble. Steelers touchdown. Ravens fumble. Steelers touchdown. Ravens fumble. Steelers touchdown. Ravens fumble. Steelers touchdown."
27. Oakland Raiders (2-6) - Letters From Dominic (I ran a segment last year composing fake letters from Edgerrin James to Peyton Manning. This year, I'm doing the same thing for Dominic Rhodes): "Deer Paytons, I toll you yous have no chances against the England Patriots! You need me man. Not only am I good running back, I know how to beet the Patriots! I'm serious. Instead of going to practice this week, I decided to use some of the cash money Al Davis gave me to by a XBOX 360 and Madden 08. I play as the Colts but I traded myself for that stupid Joe Addai fellow. Only, I edit myself and increase my stat to all 99, like it should be! I'm serius, Payton, take me back! Can I have you're autograph. You're friend, Domonique Rhodez!"
26. Arizona Cardinals (3-5) - I never polled about 1,000 people in Arizona, asking why the Cardinals, despite all of their weapons, couldn't assemble any sort of offense on Sunday. Here aren't the results: 75% - Kurt Warner's wife told him he wasn't allowed to score more than 10 points. 15% - Warner forgot his arthritis medication, and the first hit he took really hurt. 10% - Warner didn't study film this past week because he spent too much time reading Matt Leinart's blog about how much he hates him for stealing his job. 9.9% - Edgerrin James took the week off to meet up with Dominic Rhodes and figure out how they can spend all the money they're stealing right now. .1% - "Stop doing this poll! I'm Kurt Warner's wife! I can tell you to do whatever I please! Bah!"
25. Minnesota Vikings (3-5) - Adrian Peterson's amazing, but I already gave him some love in my weekly wrap-up. Look what I wrote for the Vikings last week: "Brooks Bollinger is the best quarterback on this roster. How sad is that? What will it take to sign Jeff George or Aaron Brooks?" Well, apparently not a phone call to a radio station! In case you somehow missed it, George called up a Minnesotan radio station, and pleaded for the host to put in a good word for him with Brad Childress. George also managed to insult the team's receivers in the process. That was a shock! George, bashing a potential teammate? No way!
24. Houston Texans (4-5) - If Mike Tirico, Tony Kornheiser and Ron Jaworski can have the likes of Jimmy Kimmel and Terry Bradshaw in the booth, why can't I have a celebrity guest on my Power Rankings page? I had Keyshawn Johnson last week and Emmitt Smith two weeks ago... OK... I'm here with Channing Crowder! Channing, glad you could join me. "Yo man, I need a translator up in this piece! You live on the internet where they speak Japanese!" Uhhh... OK...? So, I hear your team is 0-8. Who's to blame? "Yo man, I would blame London Fletcher because his first name is London but he speak American and not British!" Huh? Moving on, what do you think of Cleo Lemon? Should you make the switch to John Beck, or is he the guy? "Yo man, don't call me no fruit! I ain't no lemons!"
23. Philadelphia Eagles (3-5) - Can anyone come up with an explanation as to why Donovan McNabb and Brian Westbrook were still compiling stats and attempting to score down 38-17 with two minutes remaining against Dallas? The only possible reason I could come up with is Andy Reid has both of them on his fantasy team.
The Rest: 11. New Orleans Saints (4-4). 12. Jacksonville Jaguars (5-3). 13. Seattle Seahawks (4-4). 14. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (5-3). 15. Washington Redskins (5-3).
16. Buffalo Bills (4-4). 17. Denver Broncos (3-5). 18. Cincinnati Bengals (2-6). 19. Carolina Panthers (4-4). 20. Chicago Bears (3-5). 21. Kansas City Chiefs (4-4). 22. Baltimore Ravens (4-4).